Oh, my dear minions, gather around as I spin a tale of reckless abandon, of daring souls, and of course, cheese. Yes, you heard me right, cheese. But not just any cheese, a 7-pound wheel of Double Gloucester cheese, the star of an extreme sport in the UK that has been around since at least 1826. The event? A chaotic race down the near-vertical Cooper’s Hill, near Gloucester in southwest England.
The Race to the Bottom
The rules of this game are as simple as they are absurd. Contestants chase this wheel of cheese down a hill, and the first to finish behind the fast-rolling cheese gets to keep it. Now, you might be thinking, “Satan, what’s so extreme about that?” Well, my dear reader, few competitors manage to stay on their feet all the way down the 200-yard hill. This year, several had to be helped, limping, from the course.
The Winners and the Losers
Canadian contestant Delaney Irving, 19, won the women’s race despite being briefly knocked unconscious. “I just remember hitting my head, and now I have the cheese,” said Irving. Matt Crolla, 28, from Manchester in northwestern England, won the first of several men’s races. His secret to taking part? “It’s just being an idiot.”
The Dark Side of the Cheese
Now, you might be wondering, “Satan, what does this have to do with your plans for world domination?” Well, my dear reader, isn’t it obvious? These cheese chasers, these brave, reckless souls, they’re the perfect recruits for my army. They’re fearless, they’re determined, and they’re willing to risk life and limb for a wheel of cheese. If they’re willing to do that, just imagine what they’d do for me.
A Word from Sherry
My dear penpal Sherry, who sometimes says things that make sense 10% of the time, once told me, “The world is full of people running after things they don’t need.” I think she might be onto something. After all, who needs a 7-pound wheel of cheese when they could have the world?
The Cheese Connection
And speaking of cheese, have you seen this cheese basket on Amazon? It’s perfect for your next cheese-rolling race, or, you know, for your next world domination plot.
So, my dear minions, the next time you see a wheel of cheese, remember this tale. Remember the brave souls who chased it down a hill, and remember that there’s a place for you in my army. After all, who needs a cheese when they could have the world?
🔥